Drama Princess is in da house

The title says it all actually but drama princess isn’t a drama princess unless she writes lots of words. About feelings.

When you talk feelings, this is what usually comes to my mind:

 

I can’t help feeling the way I feel. I can’t help but feel I’ve lost you and I’m not a part of your life anymore. I know you mean nothing like that. I know you have other things in your life, I’m not angry with you at all, I’m angry with myself that I get so attached to one person that when that person isn’t available anymore, I get sad.

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Look at it from my point of view. We used to chat so much. Even during the day, we’ll message about random things. Funny things kids do, what’s for lunch, how to make soup, anything. So you were a constant presence in my life. Then the instant messages die down but the emails are still there. I look forward to every morning reading what you’ve been up to, your thoughts on random things, story about your family, etc. Then even that is gone. Your life moved on, you were occupied with other things but I wasn’t. So I need to fill this gap you left and I struggle with it. I can’t help but feel empty, missing your presence, and somewhat…lonely.

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I have two voices in my head: one is the drama princess who indulges in these strong feelings, and the other, the logical one who hates all things cheesy.

This is how it goes in my head

Drama Princess (Dr): my friend doesn’t talk to me anymore
Logical Princess (Lg): so? You got a kid here who would love to talk to you
Dr: I miss her, I wonder if she misses me
Lg: she’s probably just busy with other things
Dr: she doesn’t love me anymore
Lg: tumblr_inline_mpbfqxnEjy1qz4rgp
Dr: does she hate me?
Lg: No! She’s just busy!
Dr: did I say something that offend her?
Lg: don’t think so. She’s not sensitive like that.
Dr: it’s the nagging, isn’t it? I nag her too much she now hates me.
Lg: for goodness sake, stop it. She’s busy!! She’ll write when she can.
Dr: but it’s been so long
Lg:
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Dr: tumblr_l7odxcTnL61qabfrro1_500
Lg: get-a-life-d95efd
Dr: she_doesn__t_love_me_anymore_by_kp_shadowsquirrel-d5h9xfs
Lg: Santana_rolling_her_eyes

I’ll get over it eventually. You mean a lot to me so it just takes a bit of time. Remember the time when I meant a lot to you? When it made your day to see my emails? Well, you’re like that to me now, the role has been reversed because you used to spoil me with your attention, now I’m missing it. I think I need to accept that things won’t be the same like the way it was before and I have to find somewhere else to spend this energy on.

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Argh. Drama princess signing off. Feel free to throw up in the toilet now. LOL.

Lost without you

No, that’s not a title of a romance book. It’s what I literally feel right now!

So my blog co-host who’s also my dearest friend, has gone overseas for about a week now and isn’t coming back for another week or so. Argh!!

Sure, we don’t even live in the same town and we hardly see each other in person, but I know she’s always contactable, be it by email or text. But where she’s gone, she has no convenient access to the internet and I miss her terribly!!

Funny how you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Another good friend of mine, who also lives in a different town, always complained she missed me and she didn’t like it when I go overseas. I initially dismissed the complain thinking hey, it’s not like we get to see each other every day anyway. What’s the difference? Now I know how she felt!!!

Usually when I have something to tell her, be it something that happened to me, or a rant, or a funny story, the response is pretty quick. Even if she doesn’t respond, I know she’s read it. It’s like I always have her in my phone. She’s my lifeline for goodness sake! But now, even if I send her an email, I know she won’t read it straightaway. It feels like she’s gone from my phone and my life!!! Okay I’m being a drama queen.

Drama queen

Never knew that one day I would need to use that gif.

Anyway, this post just to let you know how much I miss you and that I’ve turned into melted cheese because you’re away!!!

Ahem.

If you’re reading this L, no, I didn’t write this cheesy post.

Highlights from Find You in the Dark that makes me LOL because…

they remind me of Elle.

The crazy obsession…

  • “Why are you so interested in me?” He asked quietly. Hmm. How to answer that one? I didn’t want to tell him that I thought he was the most gorgeous creature I had ever seen and wanted to have his babies.
  • Clayton made me feel nervous and giddy all at once. I liked it.
  • I even made a point to wait outside of the creative writing class I knew he had with Rachel, but he somehow snuck out without me seeing him. Okay, I admit, I was becoming a bit obsessed.

Elle never afraid to admit she’s a sucker for gorgeous bad boy…and she’s obsessed with them.

Taking risk in the name of love

  • “I told my parents I was staying after school so I could get some extra help in Chemistry. Why don’t I blow off my study group and we go to your house.”
  • I quickly did the math in my head ad relaxed when I realize the unprotected sex shouldn’t be an issue.

Giving in to spur of the moment temptation…admit it, woman, you’ve been there, done that.

Guilty and she knows it…but go for it anyway. 

  • But as I watched his fantastic ass in his dark jeans, I forgot abut guilt and was overcome by unbridled hormones.
  • As I got in, I had a moment of guilt that here I was again, lying to my parents.
  • I was being an ungrateful little bitch and I knew it.

How many times have I heard “I know I know it’s bad for me but I just can’t stop!!!”

I love you, Mom. But right now, you’re driving me crazy.

  • I glared at my mother, the woman who had been  my best friend and biggest support for most of my life. But in that moment I forgot all about that. Instead, all I saw when I looked at her, was my enemy.

She and her mom drive each other crazy when they’re together.

Doesn’t always agree with her parents but know they just want the best for her.

  • And I felt the guilt again as I thought of my own warm and loving parents who, in all of their over protectiveness, just wanted what was best for me.

No matter how much she argues, at the end of the day, she knows they just want the best for her.

Regret and self reflection…

  • But now in the cold light of morning, I was reminded of how awful things had gotten. Had I rushed into sex to try and block out how much he had hurt me?

Wondering if she’s done the right thing…sometimes a little too late.

Don’t mess with me attitude

  • He tried to reach out for me and I slapped him across the face. Hard.

I can so see Elle do that.

Like Maggie, I think she’s pretty cool.

Lunchtime pondering: dreaming

The past two nights I had some intense vivid dreams. I’ve forgotten all about them now but I remembered them clearly when I just woke up.

Whenever I think about dreams, I can hear Elle’s words echoing in my head, ‘I’m a dreamer, I have vivid imagination’ which brings me to the question ‘do I dream enough?’

Of course the dream we’re talking about here is not the dreams you get when you’re sleeping, but about daydreams. Things you think about, things you wish are reality but they aren’t and often they may never be.

I’m one who’s afraid to dream. I think I don’t dream enough. When I read a book or watch a movie, I usually forget the storyline quickly. I was listing books I’ve read on goodreads the other day, about three quarters of them I don’t remember anymore what they’re about. My husband asked me if I’ve watched this movie called ‘Joy Luck Club’, I remembered I’ve watched it multiple times but I honestly have zero idea right now what it was about. Ask me what Lion King is about. I have no idea.

Why am I so afraid to dream? I tried looking back to my past and pinpoint any event that made me afraid to dream but I couldn’t. In fact, as a child, I have big imagination. I remember I have an imaginary boyfriend and I was an imaginary  character. It’s a little secret I have with myself. My mom said I talked to myself a lot.

But now, unless I know I can achieve it, I don’t dare to dream. Elle loves her fantasy alpha male boys from books. I don’t, not because I don’t like them, but because I know they are not real so I already build a wall before I get to know them. Had they been a real person, I will probably love them. I mean, who wouldn’t love a rich, attentive, romantic and hot guy who pampers you and thinks you’re the most precious thing in the world?

I’ve been taught that success starts with a dream. How can I be successful if I don’t dream? My husband, being the workaholic he is, often asked me what my goal in life. I never answered him. Because I have none. Maybe I do have one. I  want to be happy. As long as I’m happy, I’m content.

I think maybe that’s why. Dreams are not real. At least not for the moment. When good things I really like and want but I can’t have it because it’s not real, it makes me sad. I don’t like being sad. So why dream?

The day I do dream, I usually know that one day my dream will come true. For example, I dream to work with little children. I would love to work in child care industry but giving up my job right now is not very wise. I’ve been in this career for so long and to start over in a different field is just not financially wise. But I know for sure, that one day, when money is no longer an issue, I can make the career switch.

That’s how I dream. I dream small. Things I can make true. Even when I write fictions, the characters are usually based on people that I know in real life. See, even something that is supposed to be fictional contains some reality. I just don’t have the guts to dream.

My dad is a big dreamer. He always tells me to dream big, it’s the only way to be successful. But I can’t. I just can’t. Sorry, daddy. You’ll just have to be satisfied with an ordinary daughter who makes a living by doing ordinary job. I will never make a big name for myself. But I’m truly happy to be ordinary. That is, if you’re happy for me.

The Vow: Moral of the story

You know how we often regret of the things we’ve done in the past and think that we’ll do it differently if we get a second chance?

I’ve recently watched this movie called “The Vow”. It’s about this girls who got into an accident and woke up not remembering the more recent part of her life including her marriage and her husband. At the end, she still couldn’t remember the lost part of her life but somehow she made the exact same decision about her life all over again just like she did before the accident.

It makes me realise, a second chance without the wealth of experience is useless. So it’s no use going back to the past wanting to redo what we’ve done because even if we can, unless we remember that we’ve done it and learn from the mistakes,  the chance is we will still do the same thing all over again.

So moral of the story, never dwell in your past mistakes because they’re the most important lessons. Move on and utilise this knowledge to do better.

 

Drama queens

My phone indicated there’s an incoming text message and I ignored it knowing my hands full with the two boys and whoever that is, surely its not urgent or they would have called.

Now..  I don’t know about you but was there a rule somewhere written that a text message needs to be address ASAP? Because, I for one wasn’t aware of such rule.

After everything, I finally made my way towards the charging phone and to my surprised had few text messages that makes me wonder if I had turned the other way and commit myself to another relationship with a clingy girlfriend.

To be fair she was asking me if I had a car and if I can drive it last night. It came when I had to put the boys to sleep and I thought nothing of it. We sort of make plan to see each other next week anyway. So I thought, i just reply her tomorrow and well.. haven’t really got around to it and ok..  ok.. I admit it! I forgot about it!

So today, she probably been waiting for it (really.. if she needs answer so badly.. just pick up the phone and call me. Its not like the phone call would cost her THAT much). Wait?…  am I wrong?

This is how the text goes:

20:35 – no answer? dun worry, I wont ask you for a ride

20:35 – or any help w/car.

20:35 – just happened to have tickets for science show so asked you whether u have a ride. but tickets taken already

20:36 – by my friend, Adly. Have a good weekend.

I read it over and over and reminded myself this is why I wasn’t the type to have many girl friends over high school.

There’s just too many drama and hidden feelings that I had to deal with and most of the time I was oblivious to it and enough to make them go all psycho on me when I had no idea why.

Drama queen

Don’t get me wrong…  even as I typed this out I knew she might just being polite and explaining her story but.. ha ha.. TRUST me.. I don’t think thats the case. Its not the first time she practically pissed off because I ‘forgot’ to reply her text message when silly ol’ me and my air head thought the conversation was well ended. Apparently she didn’t so.

Normally I would just laugh it off and of course think nothing more to it and put it down as she’s just being funny and all. But then before the year end last year she took off without a word like a mystery. Puff!!! disappeared!! As if she was on some secret mission and went back to her home country. Her phone was disconnected, she didn’t reply her emails to everyone who was wondering what happened (Err… we attend the same Play Group) and everyone was quite worry for her since she just avoid any contact with anyone.

Then this year, she came back so I called without answer. I thought.. thats very normal. Not everyone attached to their phone 24/7 and think nothing of it. (Its another whole story if my hubby didn’t pick up his phone at 3rd ring. There would be drama for sure. But lets stick to the drama queen)

Anyway.. whatever it was, she was sure avoiding me and only when one of our mutual friend told her that I was asking for her she called me and made up some story about losing all the contacts and had to call the phone company to ask for my number.

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I wasn’t even looking for an explanation at all. I was just curious she treated as a secret mission. But truth is, whatever people do is really none of anyone’s business and doesn’t always require justification. I can totally respect that but to go about some bullshit-lame excuses its kinda over the top for me. In her words “… so I called the phone company and asked them to tell me the number that I sent the most text to last year and thats how I got your number back”

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Err… what about telling me she got my number from one of the mom at the Play Group. Now that’s more believable!

It reminded me of this girl I used to know who made up too many lies, its hard for her to keep track on  her own story. At the end.. I really felt sorry for her. She was such a pretty girl with good nature minus her lies and its really sad to see that she felt the need to made up stories to get others to like her. Its really sad. She’s perfectly fine the way she was and doesn’t need the whole drama and series of bullshit to make her interesting but I guess some people just into drama.

Im not too far from drama queen, myself. After all, we all have a fair share of drama in our personality however flawless it is. And I do tolerate that, just chose not to when I can avoid it.

I went through high school hanging around boys more than girls for that reason. Guys are less complicated. They don’t like it, they would say so (often to your face!). No sugar coating, no hidden messages.. its plain and simple.

I have been blessed enough to meet not just one but a few cool mums that I can call friends who’s cool enough to hang around minus the drama over the past years. Frankly I was very worried about motherhood and how will I fit in with other moms but life has been more than kind. Things has been great in the friends department, so cant complain much.

But yeah.. what this woman was doing was kinda high school and made me cringe for a second.

Its not the first time I forgot to return missed calls, text, emails or messengers…  but it was always cool and not a big deal. .. or is it?

Am I to thick in the manner department or woman are just drama queens? (hey! Im on of them.. so don’t star pointing your fingers at me).