Highlights from Find You in the Dark that makes me LOL because…

they remind me of Elle.

The crazy obsession…

  • “Why are you so interested in me?” He asked quietly. Hmm. How to answer that one? I didn’t want to tell him that I thought he was the most gorgeous creature I had ever seen and wanted to have his babies.
  • Clayton made me feel nervous and giddy all at once. I liked it.
  • I even made a point to wait outside of the creative writing class I knew he had with Rachel, but he somehow snuck out without me seeing him. Okay, I admit, I was becoming a bit obsessed.

Elle never afraid to admit she’s a sucker for gorgeous bad boy…and she’s obsessed with them.

Taking risk in the name of love

  • “I told my parents I was staying after school so I could get some extra help in Chemistry. Why don’t I blow off my study group and we go to your house.”
  • I quickly did the math in my head ad relaxed when I realize the unprotected sex shouldn’t be an issue.

Giving in to spur of the moment temptation…admit it, woman, you’ve been there, done that.

Guilty and she knows it…but go for it anyway. 

  • But as I watched his fantastic ass in his dark jeans, I forgot abut guilt and was overcome by unbridled hormones.
  • As I got in, I had a moment of guilt that here I was again, lying to my parents.
  • I was being an ungrateful little bitch and I knew it.

How many times have I heard “I know I know it’s bad for me but I just can’t stop!!!”

I love you, Mom. But right now, you’re driving me crazy.

  • I glared at my mother, the woman who had been  my best friend and biggest support for most of my life. But in that moment I forgot all about that. Instead, all I saw when I looked at her, was my enemy.

She and her mom drive each other crazy when they’re together.

Doesn’t always agree with her parents but know they just want the best for her.

  • And I felt the guilt again as I thought of my own warm and loving parents who, in all of their over protectiveness, just wanted what was best for me.

No matter how much she argues, at the end of the day, she knows they just want the best for her.

Regret and self reflection…

  • But now in the cold light of morning, I was reminded of how awful things had gotten. Had I rushed into sex to try and block out how much he had hurt me?

Wondering if she’s done the right thing…sometimes a little too late.

Don’t mess with me attitude

  • He tried to reach out for me and I slapped him across the face. Hard.

I can so see Elle do that.

Like Maggie, I think she’s pretty cool.

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Lunchtime pondering: dreaming

The past two nights I had some intense vivid dreams. I’ve forgotten all about them now but I remembered them clearly when I just woke up.

Whenever I think about dreams, I can hear Elle’s words echoing in my head, ‘I’m a dreamer, I have vivid imagination’ which brings me to the question ‘do I dream enough?’

Of course the dream we’re talking about here is not the dreams you get when you’re sleeping, but about daydreams. Things you think about, things you wish are reality but they aren’t and often they may never be.

I’m one who’s afraid to dream. I think I don’t dream enough. When I read a book or watch a movie, I usually forget the storyline quickly. I was listing books I’ve read on goodreads the other day, about three quarters of them I don’t remember anymore what they’re about. My husband asked me if I’ve watched this movie called ‘Joy Luck Club’, I remembered I’ve watched it multiple times but I honestly have zero idea right now what it was about. Ask me what Lion King is about. I have no idea.

Why am I so afraid to dream? I tried looking back to my past and pinpoint any event that made me afraid to dream but I couldn’t. In fact, as a child, I have big imagination. I remember I have an imaginary boyfriend and I was an imaginary  character. It’s a little secret I have with myself. My mom said I talked to myself a lot.

But now, unless I know I can achieve it, I don’t dare to dream. Elle loves her fantasy alpha male boys from books. I don’t, not because I don’t like them, but because I know they are not real so I already build a wall before I get to know them. Had they been a real person, I will probably love them. I mean, who wouldn’t love a rich, attentive, romantic and hot guy who pampers you and thinks you’re the most precious thing in the world?

I’ve been taught that success starts with a dream. How can I be successful if I don’t dream? My husband, being the workaholic he is, often asked me what my goal in life. I never answered him. Because I have none. Maybe I do have one. I  want to be happy. As long as I’m happy, I’m content.

I think maybe that’s why. Dreams are not real. At least not for the moment. When good things I really like and want but I can’t have it because it’s not real, it makes me sad. I don’t like being sad. So why dream?

The day I do dream, I usually know that one day my dream will come true. For example, I dream to work with little children. I would love to work in child care industry but giving up my job right now is not very wise. I’ve been in this career for so long and to start over in a different field is just not financially wise. But I know for sure, that one day, when money is no longer an issue, I can make the career switch.

That’s how I dream. I dream small. Things I can make true. Even when I write fictions, the characters are usually based on people that I know in real life. See, even something that is supposed to be fictional contains some reality. I just don’t have the guts to dream.

My dad is a big dreamer. He always tells me to dream big, it’s the only way to be successful. But I can’t. I just can’t. Sorry, daddy. You’ll just have to be satisfied with an ordinary daughter who makes a living by doing ordinary job. I will never make a big name for myself. But I’m truly happy to be ordinary. That is, if you’re happy for me.

Fair go

With the advance technology and internet, its such a great thing to know how people can turn their dream into reality in much less complicated ways than what it takes back in the olden days.

With platform such as youtube and amazon or even blog and fanfiction site, talented individuals able to share their talents and passion with those who’s happy to acknowledge them.

Im one of those who’s happy to see Indie author making their name as well as talented singers in youtube who did a great job on establish singer’s songs.

Here’s a few of my favorites that I come to love more than the original:

A very nice rendition to the famous Gangnam Style

I never really enjoy Boa’s song but his version makes me love this song

I don’t actually thrilled about those who did a cover song and make its as if its their original by making an MV. But I like this version better than Pink’s so I’ll include this one too.

I love sam tsui and his covers, especially this one.

I like listening to music and have the lyrics handy. I think music speaks more than the actual tunes with its lyrics and knowing what the song is all about makes the song much more meaningful and enjoyable.

Thanks to internet, we all now can enjoy their talents and for them to have a fair chance in reaching their dreams. Imagine how hard it must be for them to go through all the normal channel like back in the old days. We would have never heard of Justin Bieber or Psy the way we come to know them today. (not that i actually like any of them.. lol)

Body Image

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I went to buy a swimsuit today. It was a painful ordeal. It forced me to pay attention to the ugly bits of my body. It enforced how fat I look because nothing looked nice. It doesn’t help that it’s end of summer, in this small town, nobody sells swimsuit anymore. One of the surf shops sold bikinis and bikinis only. Yeah right, like I was gonna wear bikini. It’s bad enough when I have to wear swimsuit, let alone bikini. Myer had ridiculously small collection but they’re mainly bikinis as well. David Jones had some one piece suits but the choice was very limited, especially for my body size and type. I tried at least 10 different swimsuits, all of them I looked fat in, but that’s a given. When you’re fat, you’re fat. No swimsuit can hide that. My goal was to find something that covers as much as possible. Some showed way too much boobs, some made my boobs looked saggy (they are saggy but there’s no need to show that off), some had no built in bra and nipples are everywhere. You can tell by now boobs are where the problem lies. Anyway, so finally I tried one that claimed to be ‘instantly slimming’. I thought it was one size too big but heck, it fit perfectly (it’s always depressing when you find you’re one size bigger!). Boobs are not falling out, fat lumps on the stomach are quite hidden although it’s of course still bulging, my back isn’t overly exposed, and it’s black. And oh, I CAN breath. I didn’t look good, I still looked fat, but at least I don’t look like a plus size porn star.

So I felt rather lucky to have found one in the limited choice I had, until I saw the price tag. It was equal to what I would spend to feed the family for one week. Damn it. It wasn’t on sale like the other swimsuits. Why? Why?!!! Must be the whole instantly slimming deal. Hmmph. Although it made me a little bit relieved, at least that means a lot of people have the same issue thus this item must be in demand therefore the no discount thing.

After asking the cashier to check the price I took it back to the rack. I stood there for few minutes trying to look for alternatives. Tried on a few more, but I looked disgusting in all of them. I didn’t want to be in agony for any longer so I decided to buy it.

It made me think about body image. I needed that swimsuit because my old one ripped. Swimming is my attempt to fix this body image issue. It’s the only exercise that works effectively for my situation. It’s fine I could afford the price tag but what if I couldn’t? Does that mean I can’t swim anymore? I would feel like I’m stuck in this ugly body, I would feel helpless and unhappy.

Then I walked pass the chocolates section of the shop. 50% off Easter confectioneries. Had I not been able to afford that swimsuit, I would feel so depressed because I can’t swim anymore, and I would buy some chocolates to make me feel better, because that I can afford, then I’ll get fatter, and I’ll get more depressed. Then I’ll hide from the world because I feel so ugly. I will have no confidence, I cut off ties with friends, eat more chocolates, and get even fatter. And one day I would die alone and fat and ugly. How depressing is that?

Anyway, my point was, it’s awful how society judges people based on how they look. I have a friend who likes to whisper and made fun of overweight people who dresses badly. She doesn’t whisper to me because she probably knows I hate it, but she does it with her other friends. I think it’s so cruel. Fashion sense is a gift. Not everyone has that gift. Some people tries to be fashionable but it’s not their talent so they fail. Is it necessary to poke fun at them? Make them feel like an outcast?

I was one of those who’s fashioned challenged. I don’t know what looks good or what looks bad. My aim when I choose my clothes is not so I look pretty or so I stand out. My aim is to not attract the attention of the fashion nazis, to look as ordinary and as plain as possible, to be invisible. When I put an effort to look fashionable, I end up looking like a clown and I’m sure I’ll be the target of whisper and stares of those fashion nazis.

So if you happen to stumble across this post, I hope the next time you see a badly dressed person, you have mercy on them. Don’t point or stare, don’t whisper and don’t tell your friend. It’s usually enough torture for them having to get out of their pajamas and choose something to wear. There’s no need to add to their misery.

And if you have a friend who dresses badly, offer to help. Play dress up, choose clothes for them. Teach them what looks good and what looks bad. They’ll be forever thankful.

And oh, the next time you see an overweight person with a badly fitted swimsuit, again don’t point and stare. Maybe her old swimsuit ripped, it was end of season, nobody sells swimsuit anymore and she can’t afford the ‘instantly slimming’ one that costs one week’s worth of grocery. She had to buy the next best thing, a cheap badly fitted one, just so she can go swimming and lose weight and hopefully look better.

Please, just don’t judge people by what they wear. Nobody purposely dresses badly. They don’t go out of their way trying to be a sore in your eyes. They just aren’t gifted with a good fashion sense.

China, North Korea and Vietnam

One bored afternoon at work, I began looking up about North Korea. The life in North Korea always intrigue me. Google’s boss’ daughter got a chance to follow his dad in his visit to North Korea and write up his experience here. I think it illustrates  how bizarre life is over there.

Another thing that intrigue me is the North Korean defectors, people who managed to escape North Korea by crossing border to China and the journey they took to eventually arrive in South Korea where they’re re-educated and given money so they can integrate with South Korean’s society. I imagine the big shock they’re in since most of them would have been brainwashed since birth that the world beyond North Korea is a bad bad world. A little bit like that movie ‘The Island‘ which happens to be one of my favourite movie. So I guess North Korea is The Island in real life.

So this morning I was talking about it with my husband who’s from Vietnam. He said that China will send the defectors back to North Korea if they’re caught as China is North Korea’s biggest ally. I told him that these people who didn’t get caught in China usually then escape to Thailand where they surrender themselves to police which would earn them free ticket to South Korea (the ultimate destination) as according to the law they’re illegal and the government will ‘deport’ them to South Korea. Mission accomplished!

Anyway, I also read that some of them went to Vietnam and was then airlifted to South Korea. The funny bit is, since Vietnam is a communist country, just like China and technically North Korea, Vietnam isn’t supposed to help these defectors but they did although they refused to admit it. According to South Korean government, these people were airlifted from an ‘unidentified South East Asian Country’. Vietnam blatantly denied that it was them who did it and even went into all the trouble to deport some south korean individuals in vietnam who helped the north koreans.

I find the relationship between China, North Korea, and Vietnam is rather cute. China is like the strict Big Daddy, North Korea is the mean older sibling, and Vietnam is the nice younger one. The young sibling knows how mean his big brother is but since they’re one family, the little brother couldn’t say anything bad about the older one so he does things behind everyone’s back to rescue people from the mean brother and then pretend as if nothing happened to save the family ‘face’ and to not anger his brother and father. He even went into the trouble of pretending to be ‘mean’ to those going against his big brother to cover his ‘good deed’ trail.

I wish I can draw comic, this will make a good comic.

Bad Reviews Vs Good Reviews

Having read many books the last few months made me excited about blogging the review and my obsession on them.

To me a review on a book shows just how much the book affected me and how it made me want to shout to the world on my new found obsession either with the story line or the characters. Often it goes hand in hand. I would love the characters and the story line although there’s few that I would just head over heels on the alpha male of the book that the ridiculous story line doesn’t even bug me.

With that been said, I also read some of “just ok” book, those that are entertaining enough to read and passing time but doesn’t leave you with much feeling than “the end”. Once you’re done, the story nor the characters doesn’t really stays in your mind. You could almost forgot what its all about after few weeks.

Then there’s books that just doesn’t jump at you no matter how hard you try enjoy and finish the story. Some books even turn you off so bad you just had to put it down and don’t bother to continue reading.

Surely those of you who read would understand what I mean. I love raving about great books or books that I just enjoyed so much I just can’t stop thinking, talking about it and re-reading it again. So don’t be surprise if most books that spent time writing about is 4 – 5 stars in my world.

But what I don’t understand is that how people could spent so much time writing a bad review.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate bad review just as I appreciate good one. When I go to Amazon for books, I would always check on the review and go for the lowest stars review to see what they say. So I do appreciate the bad review.
Its a good thing to know how bad people think of it for me to decide whether I would buy it or not. To me bad review are just as essential as the good one. It gives the balances of the book feel and you just have to decide what’s your take on it.

But what I don’t understand is those bad reviews on goodreads or some other blogs. To hate a book is a given.
After all, some like it hot..some like it not. Its all come down to preference too sometimes.

That being said, I saw people spent quite a time on writing a bad review complete with pictures and mocking stuff that in my opinion is really unnecessary.

I don’t get why people even spent so much time searching and putting together a creative way to put down a book just because they don’t like it.

The acceptable of bad review or bad ratings books in my dictionary is rate the book, explain why its bad and leave it as that.

Like I said, I do come across a book that make me feel like I want to rant it out too just because I don’t like it or even hate it but then again its all come down to personal preference. What I see as 5 stars to some might just sit at 3 stars .. And that’s cool.

The book that I was struggling with and to me more like a 2 star turned out to be so many people’s favorite. So I get it! Its just not my cuppa.

I do however don’t feel like wasting my time to even review let alone do anything about it if its that bad.

Those authors has put in a lot of time to put together a book and put it out there and let themself open to be criticise and there’s really no need to mock and make a big drama out of what you think its crap.

If only they have so much time and don’t know what to do with it other than blogging a bad review.. I would have ask them to come over and clean my house and watch my kids so I can spend time blogging a good review for a change.

But then again.. Why would I do that? They might start rating my kids and my house condition and not in a good way.

*sigh*

The Vow: Moral of the story

You know how we often regret of the things we’ve done in the past and think that we’ll do it differently if we get a second chance?

I’ve recently watched this movie called “The Vow”. It’s about this girls who got into an accident and woke up not remembering the more recent part of her life including her marriage and her husband. At the end, she still couldn’t remember the lost part of her life but somehow she made the exact same decision about her life all over again just like she did before the accident.

It makes me realise, a second chance without the wealth of experience is useless. So it’s no use going back to the past wanting to redo what we’ve done because even if we can, unless we remember that we’ve done it and learn from the mistakes,  the chance is we will still do the same thing all over again.

So moral of the story, never dwell in your past mistakes because they’re the most important lessons. Move on and utilise this knowledge to do better.